If anything else, I would like to make this entry as short as possible.
Today, was a strange day.
I was suppose to distance myself from her. This day was planned to be short and sweet goodbye to the one who once held my heart. The now married friend only wanted to hangout for the day, help her with some errands, and call it a day, before I move to Canada.
Little did we know our adventure would tighten our bonds.
She was in town for 3 days, and we still haven't met, since she always cancelled. I was losing patience and actually hoped she cancelled today so I could steam off with a valid reason. I didn't think she wanted to see me, maybe her new husband was keeping her busy. I mean, the guy in 500 miles away in Florida, and she cant put time aside to see me?
No, we managed to meet sometimes in the morning. I haven't seen her in months. She was beautiful as ever. I had a hard time to keep eye contact. I picked her up from her place, we smiled casually and drove around to get some errands done. I was calm and enjoying the catch up, but inside, I was torn. Here she was, in my car, the woman of my dreams, now married to another man, talking to me like nothing changed.
I missed her so damn much, it was hard to keep all these emotions bottled up when she made me laugh.
She just got married in a civil office. Like, some Vegas joke, I could not accept it.
We ate and decided to stop by a technical school for her career advancement.
What was meant to be a short session of information turned out as a full admission process, with her signing up to the school 3 hours later. The process was gruesomely long, but very fit for her needs, thanks to my advicing and consulting.
you see, she sees me as her advisor, mentor, etc.. for computer career.
She kept on calling me a jerk for moving to Canada. How right she is.
I always said that the only reason I'd stay in boston is a woman. She was she.
I lost her January 31 of this year to another man i did not know existed until a week before their wedding.
I don't understand why.
She later came over and we organized her life on a calendar we just bought from Walmart.
We linked her bank accounts on paypal and she was just gettting more and more relaxed, her anxiety leaving her. she was furiously browing the internet aimlessly. we joked a lot, even about the computer spray she was fond of abusing me with .
we hugged. she kissed me on the cheek. i melted inside. she sat on me during the process of paperworks.
everything i wished did not happen.
i want to accept the reality that i lost her. She will now forever be a friend. Only a friend. And i am privileged to have her as a friend. I wonder if its shelfish that I wish we were more. i don't want to be this way with anyone else. she is funny, straighforward, painfully honest sometimes, hopelessly unorganized, serious at times, cheezy other, so kind hearted to understand and care what's on your mind, she is even beautiful on top of it. i can look at her , i miss her , all of her, just her completly.
she made me feel complete today, and now im about to lose her , but i already did.
